The Truth About Favoritism: Why I Don’t Treat My Kids the Same—and That’s a Good Thing

Fair parenting without favoritism. As a parent, one of the most loaded accusations you can face is that of favoritism. It’s a word that cuts deep, one that carries implications of inequality, injustice, and emotional damage. But here’s the truth: I don’t favor my kids—at least not in the way people tend to think. I support them differently, because they are different. And while I don’t treat them the same, I absolutely treat them fairly.

That difference matters.

Equal Doesn’t Always Mean Fair-Fair parenting without favoritism

At first glance, treating all your children exactly the same might seem like the most logical path to fairness. Give them the same number of gifts, the same bedtime, the same opportunities, and no one can complain, right? But kids aren’t clones. They’re individuals. What feels like fairness to one child may feel like neglect to another.

For example, one of my children might be going through a rough patch emotionally—struggling with anxiety, school pressure, or a falling-out with a friend. Another might be thriving, brimming with confidence, and sailing through their routine. Does it make sense to give them both the same level of attention, encouragement, or guidance? Of course not. One needs more now. The other will need more later.

This isn’t favoritism. It’s responsive parenting. It’s about tuning in to the specific needs of each child at a given time and showing up in the way they need you to—not based on what’s equal on paper, but what’s right in context.

Kids Grow Differently—and That’s the Point

Another reason I don’t treat my kids exactly the same is because they grow and mature at different rates. Each child has a unique personality, learning style, emotional range, and set of interests. One might crave physical affection and constant validation. Another might be fiercely independent and just want space to solve problems on their own. Trying to parent both of them the same way isn’t equality—it’s laziness, or at best, blindness.

The truth is, recognizing their differences is the only way to truly see them. If I ignore what makes each of them unique in the name of fairness, I’m not treating them as individuals—I’m treating them as categories.

Favoring their individual strengths, needs, and growth moments doesn’t make me unfair. It makes me involved.

“Spoiling” Has a Bad Reputation

Sometimes people say I spoil my kids, and to that I say: depends on what you mean.

If by “spoiling” you mean giving them endless material things without boundaries or teaching, then no—I don’t do that. But if “spoiling” means nurturing their confidence, encouraging their passions, or giving them extra love and support when they’re down, then yes, I do. And I won’t apologize for it.

I “spoil” my kids in the areas they need most. If one of them is going through a growth spurt and needs new clothes, I’ll get them what they need. If another is dealing with self-doubt, I’ll double down on affirmations and support. If one has been working hard and needs a break, I’ll give them rest without making them earn it with burnout. That’s not spoiling—it’s parenting with empathy.

Every child has seasons of life where they need more from you. That’s not playing favorites. That’s being present.

Fairness Is Flexible, Not Fixed

The idea that fairness means everyone gets the same thing at the same time is a myth. Fairness is about giving each child what they need, when they need it.

Think of it like this: If one child has a broken leg, you wouldn’t give crutches to everyone else in the house to keep things equal. You’d give the crutches to the child who can’t walk without them. The others don’t need crutches—they’re fine. Giving them all the same thing wouldn’t be fair. It would be pointless.

This is how I parent. I don’t aim for surface-level balance. I aim for support that makes sense for each child, in real time. That might look uneven to outsiders, but inside our home, it builds trust. My kids know I’m paying attention.

Connection Over Comparison-Fair parenting without favoritism

One of the biggest challenges in parenting multiple children is avoiding comparison. It’s natural to measure milestones, behaviors, and achievements against one another. But I work hard to turn away from that instinct. Not only is comparison toxic—it’s irrelevant.

What matters is the connection I build with each child, based on who they are. I want them to know they’re not competing for my love. That they don’t have to outdo their sibling to earn attention or approval. That I see them for who they are, not how they stack up against anyone else.

By favoring them in the ways they individually need—emotionally, mentally, or physically—I reinforce that connection. I’m not keeping score. I’m keeping faith in who they are becoming.

What It Looks Like in Real Life

Let’s get specific. Here are some examples of what this looks like in practice:

• My youngest struggles with focus and transitions. I spend extra time in the morning helping them get ready, breaking tasks into smaller steps, and offering encouragement. My older child doesn’t need that—so I give them space and independence. That’s not unfair. It’s practical.
• One child went through a phase of social anxiety. I made time for extra one-on-one talks, practiced social scripts with them, and arranged smaller playdates instead of big events. The other child had no such struggles and happily attended larger group outings. Different approaches. Same goal: helping each child thrive.
• When one of them lost a pet they were attached to, I let them skip chores for a few days and gave them more physical closeness. The other child, who wasn’t as affected, didn’t need that level of attention. Again—not favoritism. Just attentiveness.

These kinds of choices happen every day. They’re not flashy, and they’re not always obvious from the outside. But they matter. They shape how my kids feel about themselves and their place in our family.

The Result: Confidence, Not Comparison

What I’ve seen as a result of this approach is that my kids don’t compete for my love. They don’t feel like they’re in a constant tug-of-war for attention or validation. They’re secure. They trust that when they need me, I’ll show up—and not because it’s “their turn,” but because I’m paying attention.

They also learn to respect each other’s differences. One might see the other getting more support in a certain season, and they understand: they’ll get what they need when the time comes too. That builds empathy between siblings, not rivalry.

Final Word: Parenting Isn’t a Spreadsheet

I don’t tally up every hug, every dollar spent, every hour of help. That’s not parenting—that’s accounting. Real parenting is dynamic. It requires intuition, patience, and flexibility. It’s about knowing when to step in and when to step back. When to challenge and when to comfort. When to offer more, and when to let go.

So no, I don’t favor my kids—not in a way that pits them against each other. But I do give each of them what they need, when they need it. I “favor” their growth, their mental health, their dreams, their struggles, and their joy. And I do it in a way that is fair—not necessarily equal, but always full of love.

Because that’s what real parenting is.