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Post: Why Do Mothers Get Blamed for Everything That Goes Wrong in a Family?
Why Do Mothers Get Blamed for Everything That Goes Wrong in a Family?
When things fall apart in a family—when there’s dysfunction, estrangement, trauma, or even just emotional distance—there’s one figure who often ends up shouldering the blame: the mother. Whether it’s subtle finger-pointing or open accusations, mothers are frequently held responsible for the emotional climate, the outcomes of their children, and the health of family relationships. It’s an exhausting, unfair pattern, but it’s also a deeply rooted one.
So why does this happen? Why are mothers expected to carry the emotional weight of the entire family and then blamed when things go sideways?
Let’s break it down.
The Cultural Script: Mothers as Emotional Managers
In most cultures, particularly in the West, mothers are cast in the role of emotional caretakers. They’re expected to nurture, soothe, organize, anticipate needs, keep everyone connected, and make sure the emotional engine of the household keeps running. This script starts early and runs deep.
The result? If the family is struggling, the default assumption is that the mother failed at her job.
We don’t apply this same logic to fathers. Fathers are often judged by different standards—whether they were physically present, whether they provided financially, whether they were “good guys.” But the emotional responsibility? That falls squarely on the mother. So when a child grows up with attachment issues, or siblings don’t speak to each other, or the household feels cold and disconnected, people tend to ask: “What did the mother do or fail to do?”
This double standard plays out across generations and cultures. It’s not always explicit, but it’s there—in conversations, in media portrayals, even in therapy offices.
The Legacy of Psychology’s Mother Blame
Blaming mothers isn’t just cultural—it’s also baked into the history of psychology.
For much of the 20th century, psychological theories focused intensely on the mother-child relationship. Freudian theory, for example, positioned mothers as the primary influence on a child’s emotional and psychological development. If a child had issues later in life, the mother’s behavior was often scrutinized to find the root cause.
Autism? At one point, mothers were blamed. “Refrigerator mothers,” they were called—supposedly too cold and unloving. Schizophrenia? Same story. Depression, anxiety, aggression, personality disorders—all somehow linked to the mother’s actions or emotional availability.
Even as psychology evolved and started to consider genetics, trauma, environment, and other influences, that foundational tendency to dissect the mother’s role never fully disappeared.
It created a framework where the mother is seen not just as one influence among many, but as the central figure responsible for everything from childhood behavior to adult dysfunction.
The Myth of Maternal Control
Another reason mothers get blamed is the assumption that they had more control than they actually did. If things went wrong, people assume it’s because the mother let them go wrong.
This myth of maternal control is toxic. It ignores the complexity of real life. It overlooks the other players involved—a father, siblings, extended family, societal pressures, mental health issues, poverty, trauma, abuse. It also dismisses the basic truth that children are their own people. They are not blank slates molded entirely by a mother’s behavior. They have their own personalities, perceptions, and choices.
But because mothers are expected to “hold the family together,” when the family falls apart, it must be because she didn’t hold tight enough.
This idea is not just unfair—it’s deeply damaging. It loads mothers with guilt they don’t deserve and absolves others of responsibility they should be sharing.
The Invisible Labor No One Sees—Until It’s Missing
Part of the problem is that much of what mothers do is invisible. The planning, the worrying, the checking in, the emotional temperature-taking—it’s not flashy or dramatic. It happens behind the scenes, constantly. When it’s working, no one notices. When it stops, everything feels off—and people start asking questions.
This is emotional labor. It’s exhausting, often thankless, and deeply gendered. And because it’s taken for granted, people don’t understand its value until something breaks. Then they look back and say, “Why didn’t she fix this?” instead of asking, “Why was she the only one expected to?”
How This Shows Up in Real Life
- Adult children in therapy: Many adults processing childhood wounds focus on their mothers—sometimes justifiably, sometimes because that’s the only narrative they’ve been given. Meanwhile, the father’s role may be barely mentioned, even if he was absent, emotionally distant, or harmful.
- Family conflicts: When siblings fall out, people often ask why the mother didn’t intervene or keep them close. The same pressure is rarely applied to the father or other relatives.
- Generational trauma: Mothers are expected to break generational cycles, even when they didn’t create them. They’re told to be more emotionally available, more conscious, more gentle—regardless of the context they were raised in or the resources they had.
- Divorce and custody battles: Mothers are judged more harshly for parenting choices. A working mother might be called neglectful. A stay-at-home mother might be called dependent. A father who does the basics gets praise; a mother who misses a step gets criticized.
When the Blame Becomes Internalized
One of the most painful effects of this blame culture is that many mothers start to believe it. They carry guilt, shame, and a sense of failure—even when they did the best they could with what they had. Even when the circumstances were stacked against them.
Mothers will ask themselves over and over: Was I too harsh? Too soft? Did I miss something? Did I protect them enough? Did I love them the right way?
These are hard questions. And while self-reflection is part of parenting, being the default scapegoat isn’t.
It’s Time to Share the Load
Families are systems. No one person can make or break the entire structure. If we want healthier families, we need to stop making mothers the sole emotional scapegoats. That means acknowledging:
- The roles that fathers, partners, and extended family members play.
- The impact of systemic issues like poverty, racism, sexism, mental health stigma, and lack of access to resources.
- That children are influenced by peers, schools, media, and the broader world—not just their mothers.
- That emotional labor should be shared, not assumed to be the mother’s domain.
The Takeaway
Blaming mothers for everything that goes wrong in a family isn’t just lazy—it’s damaging. It keeps us from seeing the full picture. It prevents accountability from being shared. And it dehumanizes the women who are often working the hardest to keep things together.
It’s time to let go of the myth that mothers have total control and total responsibility. Families are complex. So are people. No one person should have to carry it all—especially not alone.
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About the Author: Bernard Aybout (Virii8)
